My daughter has recently started to only stop crying when Its me who carries her, when I see her latch on to me and see the comfort I can bring her and that which she seeks I find myself unsure of what to feel. Giving from a place of emptiness seems strange undoable and even unfair. Could it be she really likes me? Perhaps it’s because she does not know me? Do I comfort her? Is she safe? What does it feel like?. Dont get me wrong its wonderful and nothing in my life has made me feel as special. But I can’t help but ask how can I give her something that was so scarce in my life? Something that I never truly felt? Will this continue? What will I do on days I feel I can barely breath drowning in what seems to be an endless sea of self doubt? How can teach her what I never learnt?

What mothers must do is indeed divine for they must not only soothe their children but must also soothe themselves from the burdens of the past and the disappointments of the present the aloneness of it all. We are always told that mothering is magical, natural, intuitive and that it has an essential martyrdom attached to it. but I think the well-being of our children is far too important to be left to mysticism or chance. It’s a choice and a commitment one that must be renewed and assessed and reinstated one that might grow weaker some days and stronger in others and be unbearable during these times of extreme loneliness. But in the moments when we must nurture our children and protect them as they hold on to us for dear life we also get a chance to love ourselves and give ourselves the compassion we need in order to keep giving and keep building resilience. We mend our broken souls and remember that the greatest comfort is knowing that we have a second chance not only with our children but also with ourselves.

I guess I don’t have all the answers now but one thing I know for sure I can give her, is all my love, through her hardship and mine and hopefully we both come out of this fulfilled and in once piece.